Why Perfectionist Struggle with Spiritual Growth
Written by Alycia Dantier
A relationship with God can feel confusing, especially to someone who has grown up in church. We know we’re supposed to read our Bibles, pray regularly, and memorize scripture. After all, a put-together person keeps these habits, and they’re so content and spiritual, right? We want to be close to God and become more like him, but while the solution seems to be within grasp, we inevitably find ourselves falling short.
Spiritual growth seems like a list of tasks; that list is overwhelming and continual failure is disheartening. We’ve tried new resolutions, schedules, apps, and accountability partners, and it hasn’t worked.
Time with God is supposed to renew us, but it often feels like a chore. Growth is good, so why is it so difficult?
Our problem is that we’re perfectionists. Perfectionism isn’t a catalyst for healthy growth but rather a perfect storm for wasting time. To flourish in our spiritual lives, start unlearning bad thought patterns and understand what healthy spiritual growth looks like. That journey starts with understanding where we’re going.
What is the Goal of a Relationship with God?
As a young perfectionist, I asked God, “Where are you going to take me?” I knew I had to give up perfectionism, but I didn’t know what I needed to do next. I was a control freak, and I was scared. But along the way, God revealed the answer. He quieted my critical spirit toward myself and others, increasing grace and love. He gave me confidence, joy, peace, wisdom, faith, and a craving for Him.
The transformation started when I asked earnestly: “Who are You?” He answered: “I am love” (1 John 4:8).
Learning what love looks like– patience, kindness, servant-heartedness, forgiveness, generosity, protection, and perseverance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) transformed everything. I fell in love. I wanted to be closer.
Healthy growth is earnestly asking God, “Who are You?” and allowing Him to show us. Perfectionism uses obligation to pressure and shame us. So instead of “Who are You?” we ask, “What do you want?”
But shame does not produce lasting, healthy change; it produces fear. If we are afraid of someone’s reaction, we’ll hide the issue. This avoidance gives the facade of goodness, but internally, we know the truth. Love allows us to be honest.
God’s love invites us into a greenhouse of grace, where the fruits of the Spirit grow. Hope permeates the atmosphere. His trustworthiness plants us in a solid foundation, providing the assurance and peace needed to branch out. We can try that Bible plan or attend that church without fearing we will mess up and be terrible Christians. We are fully known and fully loved; His character fills us with amazement, and we ache to be near Him.
Love provides resilient joy because it’s less about the destination—perfection—than the process of growing closer to God.
On a road trip, most of the time is spent driving to the destination. If we aren’t enjoying the drive, we’re missing out. If we enjoy the company, even a 10 hour drive through the midwest can be exciting.
Perfectionism’s dark companion, The Inner Critic, constantly criticizes us, inciting fear and convincing us that feeling terrible is fine because we have hope for a future that seems never to come. Christ’s grace-filled love elevates and fulfills us now, giving us joy in the journey as well as hope in the destination.
Identifying an Unhealthy Pursuit Of Spiritual Growth
An unhealthy pursuit of growth stems from the fear that we are unlovable unless we have plenty of good works to redeem us.
We can fall into the dangerous trap of viewing growth as gaining more good works to build a more convincing argument for our acceptability.
In other words, “If I do good things well, I’ll be worthy of love.”
We fear failure because failure means rejection. The fear of rejection stresses and shames us into an obligation to keep spiritual disciplines. It’s all about maintaining the facade.
Of course, daily devotionals, regular prayer, and other spiritual practices aren’t bad (in fact, they’re good and necessary to know God), so how can we determine when we are doing them out of an unhealthy pursuit of growth?
We get burnt out regularly. Instead of peace and joy, we feel burdened, overwhelmed, and stressed. Our dates with God feel like a chore instead of an opportunity for renewal and amazement.
We aren’t actually growing. God’s promised fruits of the Spirit aren’t manifesting. While we may not always learn something new in our devotional time, continued exposure to Christ and a regular experience of awe and gratitude for His character will transform us.
We move backward. We run back into issues from which Christ has already rescued us. For me, I fall back into judging others and being overly critical of myself. I also become increasingly anxious about my to-do list and the future. God is our vine, our life force. When perfectionism disconnects us from the Vine, we shrivel into the death the Inner Critic brings.
Tips for Pursuing Healthy Spiritual Growth
When perfectionists repeatedly “fail at spiritual life,” we can start associating our pursuit of a relationship with God with our disappointment in ourselves. But there is hope! We can heal our relationships, prevent unhealthy growth, and cultivate a thriving spiritual life that will keep our minds in that greenhouse of grace. Pursuing that healthy growth looks like:
Finding doable ways to be intentional. Instead of a 30-minute devotional, try reading James for 5 minutes.
Letting God into the messiness. If we miss our 6am devotional alarm, the day isn’t a waste. Turn on some praise music. That’s a win. God wants to be involved in our imperfect lives, not an aesthetic quiet time.
Using breathing exercises and reminders of truth to help reorient our hearts when we get overwhelmed. I remind myself of these truths: God isn’t expecting perfection (2 Cor. 12:9). He’s not overwhelming me (2 Timothy 1:7). Perfect works for approval is a distraction (Matthew 6:1).
His love is not dependent on our daily, eureka-moment Bible studies or sharing the gospel regularly, or filling a journal with eloquent and emotional prayers. God isn’t looking for our perfection but for us to rest in His. We aren’t working for our salvation. He has provided it and saved us. Now we’re learning how to live in that new life–in the greenhouse. Healthy spiritual growth is intentionally, imperfectly, focusing on God’s character because we know He loves us, and we want more of that love.
Alycia Dantier is a writer and confidence coach who pursues truth and simplifies God's will so overthinkers can experience His peace and find freedom from chasing perfection.
To find more from Alycia follow her on instagram @AlyciaDantier